


They Were Wrong About You

by wingetom2



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-02-02 01:02:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12716568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wingetom2/pseuds/wingetom2
Summary: When Damara finally has it with Rufioh's spineless flip-flopping nature and empty promises, she quickly finds comfort in talking to the one member of her team everyone else avoided like the plague: Kankri Vantas.  Though initially unsure of each other given their respective reputations, the two slowly begin to realize that outward impressions aren't always accurate.





	1. Bye, Horse Fucker

Leaning against a tree, Rufioh continued to drone on in his usual way; heartfelt, yet as if his wing mutation had deprived him of a spine.

“so yeah... l1ke 1 was say1ng, just as 1 was gonna be all ‘maybe we should take a break’, horuss just starts go1ng on about whatever h1s latest 1nvent1on 1s, and you know how that 1s doll... 1m sorry, 1'll tell h1m next t1me, 1 swear”

“<You swear on nothing. You say time and again, and yet still with sweaty horse man. You know what he thinks. To him, I am low blood horse shit. That not bother you is... disgusting.>” You scowl with that last word drawing out.

Rufioh waves his hands in an attempted defense, “doll no he's not l1ke that... he d1dn't care about my blood when we started dat1ng...”

“<Not dating. Cheating.>” Your scowl deepens.

“1 broke up w1th you though... not all cheat1ng.” Rufioh rubs the back of his neck in his usual dismissive way.

“<Not point. Does no matter.>” You wave your hands to dismiss this futile line of conversation, visually frustrated with the situation. 

Rufioh looks past you, at nothing in particular. “... l1ke 1 was say1ng though... he d1dn't care about my blood when we started dat1ng all those sweeps ago... can't see why he'd start car1ng now. and 1 mean, 1'm barely above you, so we're pretty much the same to h1m e1ther way...” 

You clench your fists. “<You not above me, fucker. And we not same. I am pretty girl, you sad piece of meat for him to snatch in his sweaty hands.>” 

“doll... come on... 1f he grabbed me he'd be wear1ng h1s gloves... who are you anyway, kankr1? 1t's just words doll...” 

You bring your fists up angrily, but reluctantly send them flying back down in frustrated reservation. “<No. No. Not point. You are so stupid. I cannot. Just. No.>” 

“damara, wa1t, what’d 1 say now?” 

“<Does no matter. Bye, horse fucker.>” 

That was it. The final straw. How could he be so... stupid. His skull would have to be thick to hold up those horns, but that doesn't mean he can get away with being thick skulled conversationally. It's like he's not even listening! He has what he wants to say already laid out, and acts like what other people say is just a minor formality to wait out. 

Why did you even stick around with him all those sweeps? Being his supportive friend even if he ripped your heart out your nook and tossed it away has gotten you nothing but pain. Maybe it was his tribe. The Lost Weeaboos. You thought they embraced your culture, once. Looking back they just saw you as their own Alternasian schoolgirl. Which you were, just not like that. Usually. None of their business, anyway. 

But now what. You spend a few hours just walking away. You don't want him following you, you meant it when you said you were done. But now it's you and your thoughts, and you're not sure you can bear that. Look for an out, look for an out. 

What is Kankri doing just standing in the middle of an archway? 

“YOU THERE. BLABBY BOY. WHAT YOU DOING?” 

“Huh?” he turns toward you, obviously caught off guard. “9h, uh, hell9 Damara. Interesting seeing y9u here, as y9u are n9t typically 9ne t9 revisit mem9ries 9f Pr9spit, m9stly given that y9u were a player 9f Derse and all, 6ut als9 p9ssi6ly due t9 c9mplicati9ns I have heard rum9r 9f am9ngst 9ur friends, alth9ugh I sh9uld likely n9t 6ring up such as they c9uld p9ssi6ly 6ring a69ut triggering mem9ries and such. I ap9l9g--” 

“ENOUGH. ANSWER QUESTION. WHY YOU HERE IN EMPTY BUBBLE.” So. Many. Words. 

He quirks a brow as his demeanor slumps in confusion. “Empty? N9, I d9 6elieve y9u were mistaken, 6ecause Meenah asked me t9 wait here earlier as she ran t9 ask Latula and P9rrim a questi9n a69ut wh9 t99k 9ut the m9st imps in 9ur sessi9n, just three t9wers 9ver. I can't see them fr9m here, 6ut I was asked t9 wait right here until she returned, which I am certain will 6e presently, as she likely g9t wrapped up in c9nversati9n reliving the “g99d 9ld days”, as they say, with 9ur g99d friends, which I myself am l99king f9rward t9 sharing in, when she returns that is.” 

Naive boy. “SHE NOT COME BACK.” 

“I w9uld c9rrect y9ur grammar 9n that sentence were it n9t 69th p9ssi6ly triggering t9 y9u, given that Standard 6ef9ran is n9t y9ur primary dialect and y9u may have endured heavy ridicule that it w9uld 6e imp9lite 9f me t9 dredge up uns9licited as such, and m9stly with9ut p9int as y9ur statement w9uld n9t make any sense even if pr9perly w9rded. Meenah gave me her w9rd a few h9urs ag9 that I was t9 meet her right here, and that I w9uld n9t 6e left in wait like the incident at the stairs a sweep 9r s9 ag9, and it is 9nly p9lite 9f me t9 take her at her w9rd. I understand why y9u w9uld have reas9n t9 distrust her, given y9ur past vi9lent and Alternia-paralleling cycle 9f presuma6ly plat9nic hatred with her, 6ut she has sh9wn n9 reas9n t9 6e distrustful t9 me, and as such it is my duty as her friend t9 return the trust that I w9uld expect she place in me. N9w I w9uld understand if y9u have tr9u6le with “friendships”, as they were, given y9ur s9mewhat is9lated life and--” 

“I KNOW OF FRIENDS. AND I SPEAK GOOD ENOUGH. NO NEED HELP.” You feel inclined to add a “fuck you”, but opt not to. The boy is annoying, but doesn't seem to hold any strong preconceived notions of you either way. Makes sense, as the two of you hardly ever spoke during your game. And if you could help it, after. 

He frowns slightly as his voice flattens in irritation. “I w9uld appreciate it if y9u w9uld n9t incessantly interrupt me mid-sentence, as that is a s9cial faux-pas that I find quite irks9me, t9 say the least. Regardless, I will p9litely retract any current and future ideas 9f 9ffering criticism, as that avenue 9f discussi9n is quite apparently cl9sed fr9m here 9n 9ut. As I was saying th9ugh, I gave my w9rd that I w9uld wait here f9r Meenah, and here I shall wait. I have the time, after all. Whether y9u ch99se t9 linger a69ut and criticize me 6aselessly 9r m9ve 9n t9 m9re pr9ductive 6ehavi9rs is irrelevant t9 me currently, th9ugh I w9uld gladly pr9vide insight 9n s9me su6jects in the meantime, if y9u are s9 inclined t9 seek kn9wledge.” 

“YOU ARE A SAD AND PATHETIC BOY. TOO TRUSTING.” What is wrong with this guy? He gets socially stood up time and again and it hardly phases him. You’re not sure if you should be concerned or impressed by his blind resilience. 

Kankri’s eyes widen before he quirks a brow as if to ridicule you. “Excuse y9u, I’m n9t quite sure what traumatic situati9ns y9u have 6een thr9ugh that w9uld make y9u s9 pr9ne t9 shirk 9ff trust in 9thers, th9ugh I d9 have s9me ideas, 6ut I myself still have faith that my friends are trustw9rthy individuals. N9w y9u can either c9nduct y9urself m9re p9litely, 9r m9ve al9ng. Either way, I will n9t 6e m9ving.” 

Oh my god. Seriously, what is his deal? You know what, no, you don’t have time for this. Well, you do, but your patience is already worn thin, and you swear it’s about to break if you push yourself anymore. “I NO CARE IF YOU MOVE, AND I NOT WANT ENLIGHTENMENT. I JUST WANTED WARN YOU. MEENAH IS BITCH. BIGGEST BITCH. SHE NO COME BACK, YOU WILL SEE. THEN YOU COME TO ME SAYING I RIGHT. WAIT UNDER YOUR ARCHWAY ALL YOU WANT. BYE.” 

He looks taken aback, partially offended, partially surprised. “N9, y9u will see, she will c9me 6ack and we will c9ntinue discussing the highlights 9f 9ur sessi9n, which I will relay t9 y9u just t9 sh9w h9w faithful 9ur friends can 6e.” 

“<Gently suck my bulge, you insufferable fuck.>” 

“Gently... insuffera6le... what? I’m s9rry, I’m n9t accust9med t9 y9ur accent. I d9n’t mean t9 say that y9u speak with9ut clarity, 6ut just that Eastern 6ef9ran is n9t my primary dialect, as Standard is n9t y9urs, and unlike y9u I lack any pr9ficiency in the f9rmer 9f the tw9.” He seems genuinely confused. Who cares. 

“GOOD. AND I SAY BYE. I GO.” With that, you leave again, wandering for what feels like another hour before you find a memory of your hive in the Land of Quartz and Melodies. For now, you will have peace. No more rambly mutants or spineless bronzebloods to bother you. Sanctuary. 


	2. I Am Not Your Waifu in Waiting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not taking a hint, Rufioh repeatedly pesters Damara after she's already reached her breaking point. In response, she devises a quick plan to mess with him the next time he shows up at her door.

Midway through your multi-week binge of some “borrowed” copies of human animes (you think they belong to that blue boy? Dzhohn or whatever; or wait, maybe just John. Human names are weird), your technicolor magical joyride is interrupted by a knock at your door. There’s a muffled call, but you can’t hear the voice clearly until you begrudgingly put your video on pause, get up, and answer the goddamn door.

It’s Rufioh. Of course. “oh, hey doll... thought you weren’t go1ng to answer the door. you weren’t back at the v1llage or anyth1ng, so 1 thought 1’d wa1t 1t out a wh1le... but you never showed up, but then 1 remembered our planets and stuff, and thought 1’d--”

“<What do you want? I am busy.>” You glare up at him, though he might not notice since that kind of has become your go to expression these days.

His eyes skitter about, tracing some imaginary scribble at your feet. “oh, well, you know... just... wanted to hang and stuff. you know, l1ke we used to. 1 see you go your hands on one of those human an1mes. what 1s that one... knockoff sa1lor moonlet? some alchemy sh*t?”

“<None your business is what. Leave. I do not want you here. Why not go back to blue balls race horse? He not want you either? Shame.>” Not.

“oh come on doll, 1t’s not l1ke that... he’s just... busy... w1th h1s translator schemat1cs. 1 genu1nely want to spend t1me w1th you, l1ke we used to... as fr1ends.” Pathetic.

“<You are a terrible friend. You make me happy at times, then next moment I am sad. I am tired of the sad. I know you don’t mean to do this, but you are spineless and it hurts me.>” Your patience with him is growing thin.

“yeah... doll you haven’t been a perfect fr1end e1ther, l1ke... what w1th you cr*ppl1ng me over the whole Horuss th1ng a wh1le back. 1 thought you’d understand how 1 k1nda owe a lot to Horuss, just for be1ng al1ve and sh*t, or dead 1 guess... talk about sp1neless haha... sh*t don’t let kankr1 hear me go1ng on about th1s stuff” You’re pretty sure the kid gives him a free pass on that kind of sentiment, it’s usually when someone else says it that he juts into conversation. You... kind of keep watch for him though, just in case.

“<Fine. Fair point. But equally fair is, please, leave me alone. Until you decide me or horse boy. He’s important to you and whatever. I get. Just leave me out.>” You swear you’re about to burst.

“1 don’t get why you’re be1ng so tough about th1s... 1t’s not a b1g deal. 1 just gotta end 1t w1th h1m 1s all, and maybe you and 1 can get together aga1n?” Yeah no.

“<No. No again. You had chances. Many of them. But you waste them all, like you waste my time. Leave now.>” Get out of here asshole.

“doll, just let me 1n, we can talk th1s over...” He puts his foot in the doorway, trying to meekly edge his way in.

“<JUST LEAVE ME ALONE RUFIOH! JUST GO!>”

And with that, you slam the door on him. He lets out some complaint from the other side, but you’re not hearing it. He’s not your friend anymore, and as much as it hurts, you are forcing yourself to rip this bronze-colored bandaid off now. You already broke him once. If he pushes you any further, you’ll see if you can do it again. Maybe rip out his mohawk, to add insult to injury, well, if you can even do that since you’re all dead.

Ugh. You’re so tired. You think... yes, good, he’s fluttering away. Stupid sexy Rufioh, with his stupid pretty fairy wings. Ugh, no. You need to get this frustration out somehow.

Maybe go find the forest your other selves like to hang out in? Instigate a mass Damara orgy. Wait, no you’ve already done that before. Fun at first, until you start to notice the patterns your other selves get into. Plus it’s just not satisfying ripping your own clothes off of another you and violating yourself. No adventure to be had when you’re exploring your own crevices. You could just plop on your lounge plank and do that by yourself. Think of something else...

Right, that anime you were watching. Xenon... wait or was it Neon? Frog something, something, you’re sure of it. Like that big frog the carapacians hated. Neon Frog Zealot, you’re pretty sure that’s what it was. Flashy show, good fun. Though admittedly pink and sandy colored people just really aren’t all that relatable, and the lack of horns is a little distracting. Eh, you started it, you’ll finish it. Hope that boy won’t miss it.

A few hours pass, you think. You’re not even paying attention anymore. Good god are you tired. The thought occurs to you that probably doesn’t make much sense. Fuck it, you’re not the philosophical type, leave that to blabby red and blabby blue. You wipe your eyes a little, as a knock jars you. Episode’s over at least.

You open the door, and of course, it’s Rufioh again. Wow, he really doesn’t know when to stay away, does he?

“<What part of leave was hard to hear? You forgetting how I speak already? Would not surprise me.>”

“look, doll, just, hear me out and sh*t. 1’ve been th1nk1ng on how to word th1s for a few hours and just...”

“<Did you not hear me? You deaf? I said you’re not welcome here. Leave. Bother another me. Just not this one. I am not your waifu in waiting. No more.>”

“damara... 1 don’t see you l1ke that...”

“<LEAVE.>”

Another slam. Maybe dream up a peephole next time. Nah. You’re kind of eager to see him waltz his ass back here and get dewinged like a sadistic wiggler picking apart a particularly pretty flutterbug. Maybe his screams of pain will sate your anger with him. Or maybe you won’t do that? How angry are you even anymore? How would the pretty Maid put it... ah yes, you are quite jaded at this point.

Enough Rufioh. Maybe... right you would read something, but you’ve already read Troll Naruto cover to cover, volume to volume, time and again, and you’re not particularly eager to read of a pretty bronze boy anyway. Same goes for all your other manga. Maybe you should find a book somewhere. You’ve caught glimpses of this complacency book here and there, but an orange blur seems to always whisk the copies away before you can get one. Eh, whatever. It’s probably some safe-for-wigglers crap.

You could always spend some quiet time and self reflect? Hah. Hahah. No. You’re not about to play some twisted self moirail role and try to piece together why you are bored, angry, tired, empty, and honestly slightly turned on, and why these seem to be meaningless qualifiers anyway because that’s just your daily routine these days isn’t it? What even is a day anymore. Isn’t this loungeplank just comfy...

Suddenly, there comes a knocking, knocking at your hive front door. Rufioh must want a socking, clocking punch to leave him sore. Or... Enough with these poetic thoughts of poetic justice, you’re going to tease him, leave him confused, and shut the door on him before he can speak. Yes, this is exactly what you want to do, because damn if you didn’t just think it.

You rise from your loungeplank, straighten your skirt, and proudly glide over to the door that so rudely interrupted your dissociation. You simply fling open the door, bend over, drop your panties, and send out your double birds. Full moon major double flip off combo.

“<CHOKE ON MY THROBBING HATE BULGE YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT!!! NOW FUCK OFF AND->”

PHWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. PHWEEEEEET PHWEEEEEEEEET.

OH FUCK. OH FUCK OHFUCK PANTIES WHERE FLOOR UP NOW OH FUCK. WRONG INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE. MORE INSUFFERABLE, SLIGHTLY LESS ASSHOLE. FUCK FUCK FUCK.

You turn around and oh god, poor fucker, he’s bright fucking red, blowing that whistle like a train’s about to run him over. God it’s fucking loud. Did you already think fuck?

Frozen in what appears to be unadulterated terror, arms out at his sides, hands clenched in oddly perpendicular loose fists, the whistle falls out of his mouth and his frantic puffs of air become hyperventilation, before clearly resolving into a stuttering outward breath.

“H9LY M9THER 9F FUCK. M9THERFUCKER! H9LY FUCK. 9H G99D G9D! H999LLLY FUCK... 9H.... FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK. H9LY FUCK!!!”

Kankri’s eyes are as blank and white as anyone else’s, but elicit such a strong, pulsating fear even you start to feel terror as each vast and blasting expletive pierces through you like swinging scythes of terror. His screams echo throughout your hive, throughout your thinkpan, and throughout your land until the Melody of the Quartz resolves itself into a similar tune of vast and inexplicable terror.

You suddenly feel as though you should handle things more carefully with this... friend(?)... of yours moving forward.


	3. Assholes at my Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the wake of Damara's big mistake, Kankri goes off at Damara, who is having none of it. Tensions rise, and vocal cords strain to keep up.

What feels like hours pass, and Kankri is still yelling his head off. You determine that perhaps your best course of action here would be to slowly back away, close the door, and hope he eventually leaves and forgets or blocks out this entire situation. As you walk away from the door, much to your dismay, his panic seems to die down, and you hear an extremely fervent rapping on the door. You go back to open it again, but you just know you’re in for it now...

His arms fly up as he begins speaking, before settling into his standard fold, with one arm gripping the bridge of the nose as he rants, not even making eye contact with you. "9h my g9d, f9r the l9ve 9f all that has ever 6een held as sacred and h9ly, I d9n’t even kn9w where t9 6egin with the severity 9f the transgressi9n that has just transpired 6ef9re my very eyes. D9 y9u realize h9w flat 9ut and unde6ata6ly inappr9priate it is t9 6are 9ne’s entire 6utt9cks and mildly eng9rged 6ulge and n99k t9 an9ther with9ut explicit permissi9n fr9m the receiving party? Permissi9n which, mind y9u, y9u w9uld never receive fr9m me had y9u even asked given the v9w 9f celi6acy that I undert99k many, many sweeps ag9, and still intend t9 adhere t9. The mere fact that y9u just "full m99ned" me like that, while uttering s9mething presuma6ly vulgar that I h9nestly c9uld n9t make 9ut thr9ugh the utter sh9ck and h9rr9r that I was stricken with up9n y9ur d99r 9pening, just g9es t9 sh9w h9w right every9ne is a69ut h9w am9rally and uncaringly vulgar y9u are t9ward any9ne and every9ne y9u interact with. N9t that I h9ld y9ur pr9miscuity against y9u in any way, as it is well kn9wn that I, admittedly s9mewhat 6egrudgingly, familiarize myself with even a village tw9-wheeled device such as P9rrim, with9ut much menti9n 9f her activities in c9nversati9n, despite their alm9st assured a6undance. Regardless, the p9int h9lds that y9u really sh9uld think 6ef9re y9u merely act in such a manner, as y9u may tell that, like unwarranted physical c9ntact, my list 9f triggers d9es in fact include unwarranted, al6eit partial, nudity, especially when intended t9 6e explicitly antag9nizing 9r ar9using in any manner. N9w--" 

"ENOUGH. I GET. I SORRY. PLEASE. STOP TALKING." Definitely talkier than Aranea. God you hope he goes away soon, you’re not sure how much more of that you could handle. Can’t he just be sensible and pretend nothing ever happened like you so badly want to?

His arms flail about in frustration before shooting downward in anger. "This is the third time y9u’ve interrupted me in 9ur recent c9nversati9ns! I wasn’t even cl9se t9 d9ne, and I d9n’t even kn9w h9w t9 pr9perly express h9w infuriating y9u can 6e. Y9u just 69re y9urself 6ef9re me when I was merely c9ming here t9 inf9rm y9u 9f s9mething I th9ught y9u might deem imp9rtant 9r at the very least satisfact9ry, and yet y9u speak as if I am the 9ne wh9 has c9mmitted s9me transgressi9n."

"I SAY SORRY ALREADY. WHAT MORE YOU WANT?"

Kankri glares at you before coldly retorting, "I want t9 unsee what I just saw, 6ut we can’t exactly have what we want s9metimes, can we?"

"AND I WANT YOU TALK LESS. SO NO. WE CANNOT." Take that, chatterbox.

He closes his eyes and proudly tilts his head up and away from you. "I talk exactly as much as I need t9 in 9rder t9 get the p9ints I intend t9 make acr9ss in c9nversati9n, s9 n9 I am afraid I cann9t "talk less" with9ut fundamentally trimming d9wn the things I have t9 say. I sh9uld think I had every right t9 lecture y9u after what y9u did. What are y9u, s9me hapless, trigger warning flagrant, "pailing-starved", wiggler-minded s9ci9path wh9 flashes rand9m visit9rs t9 9ne’s 9wn hive, when it sh9uld 6e expected that all th9se wh9 p9litely kn9ck 6e p9litely welc9med? Hmm?"

"FUCK YOU. YOU THINK I HAPPY YOU SEE THAT? FUCK NO. YOU NOT FUCKABLE. YOU NOT EVEN FRIENDLY. YOU GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW TERRIBLE EVERYONE ELSE IS WHEN YOU ARE JUST AS BAD. WANT KNOW WHY I WANT YOU SHUT UP? BECAUSE THEN YOU SAY LESS STUPID THINGS. YOU CLAIM YOU SO WISE AND TEACH EVERYONE, AND YET NEVER EVEN GIVE TIME FOR "less9ns" TO LEARN."

"I resent the accusati9n that I w9uld ever even want t9 see that part 9f y9u 9n my 9wn v9liti9n, were y9u even listening t9 me earlier? I d9n’t "d9" quadrants, let al9ne engage in carnal acts 9f pleasure f9r any reas9n."

"KEEP DREAMING, FUCKBOY." You sigh, wishing this were over with already. "WHAT YOU EVEN COME HERE TO TELL ME, ANYWAY?"

"F9r the time 6eing I will make an eff9rt t9 pretend that I did n9t just hear that, even if I sh9uld address the pr96lematic nature 9f the term y9u just used to refer t9 me. Since y9u asked and it is in 9ur mutual best interest t9 expedite this interacti9n, I will clarify that my entire p9int with c9ming here was t9 6egrudgingly tell y9u that y9u were right."

For once, you smile smugly. "OF COURSE I RIGHT. WAIT. WHAT RIGHT ABOUT?" Well that didn’t last. The fuck’s he going on about?

"Meenah never sh9wed up. H9urs passed, and then days int9 weeks, and yet she still never sh9wed up. I initially put it up t9 h9w fickle time seems t9 6e 9ut in these dream 6u66les, 6ut then I started thinking 9n what y9u t9ld me, and since y9u have never lied t9 me, th9ugh h9nestly I feel that may 6e m9stly due t9 9ur limited quantity 9f direct interacti9ns, I started t9 seri9usly c9nsider that, 9n that 9ccasi9n, y9u were right t9 distrust Meenah’s w9rd a69ut her eventual return, since at that p9int a pattern had 6egun t9 emerge that w9uld suggest exactly what y9u had insisted previ9usly. H9wever, that just leaves me w9ndering, why w9uld she leave me waiting there like that? She’s usually s9 kind t9 me, I d9n’t understand why she w9uld just leave me rand9m places and never c9me 6ack."

"SHE DITCHING YOU. IF YOU BUSY, THEN YOU CANNOT INTERRUPT ANYONE TALKING. GIVE EVERYONE BIT OF PEACE TIME WHERE YOU NOT RUNNING MOUTH OVER EVERYONE ELSE. MEENAH IS BIG BITCH, BUT SMART TOO." You hate yourself just a tiny bit more than usual for saying that, but you just know an idiot couldn’t have played you like she did. Slowly and systematically getting under your skin into every insecurity until you absolutely couldn’t take it anymore and snapped at the one person you even trusted at the time even though you shouldn’t have trusted him and you pretty much almost ended up-- you don’t let yourself finish that thought.

Spending the entire duration of your mental wandering audibly grumbling, his demeanor has shifted a bit. Even his mildly nasally voice has dropped down a tonal step or two as he looks daggers at you. "I resent the accusati9n that I ever interrupt s9 much as 9ne unnecessary c9nversati9n, as every single c9nversati9n I 6ring myself int9 is 9n the 6rink 9f disaster, with slurs recently thr9wn 9r impr9per language used in a6undance. If y9u think that the p9ssi6le mild ann9yance that may acc9mpany my sudden appariti9n in a c9nversati9n at all eclipses the 6enefits 9f st9pping a pr96lematic, and I d9 n9t use that term lightly, s9cial exchange fr9m erupting, then I am afraid y9u have a fundamental lack 9f understanding 9f even the m9st 6asic aspects 9f healthy dial9gue, which in retr9spect really sh9uldn’t 6e that suprising given y9ur excessively vulgar disp9siti9n, which is unappreciated t9 say the --" NO SHUT UP SHUT UP.

"YOU SAY I LACK POLITE MANNERS? FINE, THAT TRUE. BUT YOU ALSO A MAJOR ASSHOLE SWEATER BOY. WORST PART? I STARTING TO THINK YOU NOT KNOW HOW MUCH ASSHOLE YOU ARE, WHICH IS THE WORST KIND OF ASSHOLE." How does anyone put up with this boy’s shit?

"H9W FUCKING DARE Y9U INTERRUPT ME AGAIN, I’LL HAVE Y9U KN9W THAT UNLIKE Y9U, EVERYTHING I EVER FUCKING D9 IS T9 6ENEFIT THE MULTIVERSE! I S9METIMES FEEL LIKE I AM THE 9NE SANE TR9LL AM9NG 9UR ENTIRE TEAM, AND H9NESTLY IT IS N9T HARD T9 SEE WHY I C9ULD EVER C9ME T9 THAT C9NCLUSI9N!" Damn boy, megalomania much?

"SEE, THIS IS WORST PART OF BLIND ASSHOLE. I AT LEAST KNOW I AM ASSHOLE, AND KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU, BUT OBVIOUSLY PRETTY BAD THING IT WAS THAT NOT EVEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE ASSHOLE." You’re honestly starting to worry for the boy, he’s going off on hair triggers and irrationally lashing out. No, now is not the time to self-reflect on how that applies to you, he’s the one being the asshole here.

"H9LY FUCK, N9, N9THING EVER "HAPPENED" T9 ME T9 CHANGE MY 6EHAVI9R; I HAVE ALWAYS KN9WN THAT I AM 6UT A HELPFUL SHEPHARD TRYING T9 KINDLY GUIDE A HAPLESS, MINDLESS, SELF-DESTRUCTIVE FL9CK 9F G9DDAMN W99L6EASTS THR9UGH LIFE, 6ECAUSE N969DY SEEMS T9 FUCKING KN9W H9W T9 GET AL9NG AND 6E NICE T9 PE9PLE WH9 ARE DIFFERENT FR9M THEM. MY WH9LE LIFE IT WAS "LIME6L99DS" THIS AND "MUTANTS" THAT, I THINK I HAVE A LITTLE 6IT 9F A RIGHT T9 6E RIGHTE9USLY FUCKING PISSED THAT AFTER ALL THIS TIME THAT N969DY HAS EVEN 69THERED T9 GIVE EVEN A FRACTI9N 9F A PERCENT 9F A SHIT A69UT THE PLIGHTS 9F 9THERS, S9 HERE I FUCKING AM C9NSTANTLY TRYING T9 PR9D EVERY9NE IN THE RIGHT DIRECTI9NS WITH MY FUCKING SHEPHERD CR99K 9F VER69SITY 9VER HERE. S9 N9, D9N’T EVEN FUCKING GET STARTED WITH "Y9U’RE AN ASSH9LE" WITH ME, Y9U VULGAR ALTERNASIAN SCH99LGIRL." He did just fucking not. No.

"YOU NOT ANYBODY’S SHEPHERD. NOBODY LIKES YOU, ASSHOLE. I ABOUT TO FEEL BAD FOR YOU, BUT NOT NOW. IF YOU GOING TO KEEP BEING THE NEXT OBSTINATE BONEBULGE, THEN WE DONE HERE. I HOPE YOU DOUBLE DIE CHOKING ON CRONUS’ GREASY BULGE. AND JUST SO WE CLEAR. I NOT BUY ANY OF WHAT YOU JUST SAY. YOU ARE MAJOR FUCKED UP KANKRI."

There’s no way this guy honestly believes he’s that important. You don’t remember him being this much of a problem many sweeps ago, at least. Who knows, maybe you didn’t know him well enough, but didn’t he end up being some pacifist preacher in his next life? You got stuck as LE’s bitch from what you’ve heard. Kinda ruined the whole "let the big muscle guy destroy everything" thrill. Yeah, that’s vain, but who fucking cares at this point.

Kankri’s been awfully quiet. What’s his fucking deal? Shouting down your throat one moment, and next thing you notice he has a look on his face like he swallowed a rock and tried to wash it down with lemon juice.

"L99k, I d9n't even kn9w what y9u mean 6y n9t "6uying" what I'm saying, as I’m n9t selling anything, t9 r9und 9ff y9ur metaph9r. I’m telling the truth. Every9ne I kn9w is c9nstantly degrading each 9ther and s9wing disc9rd, s9 I’m d9ing them all a fav9r 6y preventing disasters 6ef9re they happen." The fires in his eyes are dying, and you’re not sure how to read this.

"<Fat crock of shit that is.>" The words grumble out of your mouth, almost half-said.

"Excuse me?" Fuck, he heard you.

"YOU NOT HELPING ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. INTERRUPTING AND PLAYING HERO MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD, BUT NOT ANYONE ELSE." What are you, his moirail? Isn’t Porrim waxing pale for him? Why doesn’t he go talk this out with her?

"Why." Just one word. No intonation. You’re... not sure how to feel. Uncomfortable is probably the right word here.

"WHAT YOU MEAN WHY. YOU STUPID?"

"Why d9esn’t it help any9ne when I intervene? H9w can that p9ssi6ly 6e true? Are they n9t l9gical? D9 they n9t listen? N9w that I think a69ut it, if y9u are sincere, then I have s9 many questi9ns. Such as--"

"THAT YOUR PROBLEM."

"SUCH AS WHY D9 Y9U KEEP INTERRUPTING ME?! F9R FUCK’S SAKE DAMARA, CAN I N9T FINISH A SENTENCE?"

"YOU SAY DUMB OR POINTLESS THINGS, I SAVE YOU TIME AND STOP YOU." Or, you know, save yourself time having to listen to him drone on and on and on...

"N969dy else d9es that th9ugh, and are y9u really g9ing t9 dismiss all 9f my 9ther questi9ns?" Well, at least he just sounds annoyed now, and not angry.

"THEY NOT MY PROBLEM. I NOT YOUR MOIRAIL. YOUR ISSUES NOT MY ISSUES. MY ISSUES NOT YOURS." You are so ready to get this over with...

"I D9N’T HAVE ISSUES."

"SURE, WHATEVER. EITHER WAY, WE DONE HERE?"

"N9! Can y9u at least tell me what I’m d9ing wr9ng?" Damn... is he really...? Hrm.

"NO. I HAVE ENOUGH ASSHOLES AT MY DOOR TODAY. RUFIOH, THEN RUFIOH AGAIN, THEN YOU, THEN MINE. JUST FUCK OFF." And with that, the door slams again for the who knows what time today. You’re not sure if he could hear it, but after a moment’s hesitation, you let out a quiet "PLEASE." that trails off as you hit the post-adrenaline crash.

You don’t think you can take much more of this. While on one hand this conversation felt like it was maybe going somewhere, where specifically is beyond you, on the other hand you know all too well you are the troll LEAST qualified to answer Kankri’s questions. Thankfully, he must understand that to some extent too, as after a minute or so, you hear his footsteps trail away from your door and off your lawn ring slab path, presumably muted by the grass underfoot. You take a deep breath and go lie down on the couch, very swiftly drifting off.


End file.
